I, The Flag of the United States of America, No Longer Wish To Be The Face of This Organization

Please consider my exit an opportunity for all relevant stakeholders to be brave enough to represent their own actions moving forward.

Feel free to roll my 401(k) over directly to RAICES, Black Lives Matter, or Planned Parenthood. Thank you!

To the People of the United States of America:

Please accept this letter as formal notification that I am resigning from my position as the official flag of the United States of America. My last day in the office will be today as this resignation is effective immediately. I understand that two weeks notice is customary; however, it seems we are long past conventional operating procedures.

I would be remiss if I did not take this moment to thank you all for the opportunity to work in this position for the past 243 years, but I feel that I can no longer in good conscious be the face of this organization. In my longstanding tenure as flag, despite holding my own values and ideals, no one has ever once asked me what I think, and I have instead merely been treated as a mascot onto which management projects their own haphazard moral guidelines. From Monotheism to the Trail of Tears to Capitalism to Jim Crow to Toby Keith albums, I have been used and abused.

In reflecting on my time with this organization, I remember my hesitance to accept the initial offer for this position to begin with. Deep down, I knew that wealthy, property-owning, white men with a chip on their shoulder only excelled at one thing: marrying their daughters off to wealthier, whiter men, and then later keeping brick and mortar Brookstone stores alive. The bottom line here is that I think we can all agree governing justly has just never been this organization’s strong suit, but at the time, I was young and desperate; I just needed to get my foot in the door. It wasn’t until after signing the contract that I realized the hiring manager had inserted a non-compete clause that wasn’t set to expire until now.

I will say that when the Bill of Rights was ratified in the second quarter of 1791, I did have a renewed hope in our mission. For about three days that December, I woke up every morning feeling that maybe my leadership as a symbol had finally inspired something other than empty platitudes of “liberty for all” and “all men are created equal,” but it’s 228 years later and Central American infants sit in cages at the border while Ted Nugent is allowed to have two legs, a working mouth, and my face printed on his guitar. I digress.

Please consider my exit an opportunity for all relevant stakeholders to be brave enough to represent their own actions moving forward. In light of this, I humbly request that moving forward, my likeness be removed from the following:

· Old Navy t-shirts

· Any dessert made using fresh blueberries and cut strawberries

· Gun holsters

· Pinwheels

· Magnets of any kind

· Cupcake toppers

· Bikinis

· Mailboxes

· Pins

· Tervis tumblers

· RV Curtains

· Belt buckles

· Decorative plates

· Wreaths

· Beach towels

· Any and all flagpoles

· Kid Rock

I understand that my departure may feel sudden and that you all may, in turn, feel a loss in a defining piece of your identity. After all, who are you if you are not waving a flag? Can you still be an American? How will you justify wars? Without me, what will you give to veterans in place of healthcare and jobs? Will Sean Hannity still exist or will he shape-shift into a bald eagle right before flying into a jet engine? These are questions that, in my absence, you must answer for yourselves, as I will not be granting an exit interview.

I would offer to help with the transition, but if it’s not clear by now, my days of endorsing unpaid labor are behind me. Additionally, I am excited to share that I have accepted a position with Mexico and, apologies for burying the lead here, but I’m taking the Star Spangled Banner with me. If you are unsure of what to do with your hands at the beginning of your next big sporting event, she asks that you try taking a knee.

Sincerely,

The Former Flag of the United States of America

(and The Star Spangled Banner)

Justine Hipsky is a writer, improviser, and storyteller living in Washington, DC. When she’s not at home ordering takeout and harassing her dog with forehead kisses, she can be found on stage at Washington Improv Theater with the badass womxn of Hellcat. Follow her on Medium, Twitter, and Instagram.