It’s the DNC and I’m Just Checking In, Babe!
Some people are saying that we’re not together anymore and I’m like, not my babe!!!
Hey babe, I know things have been weird between us for a few weeks, but just checking in to make sure we’re still good? Some people are saying that we’re not together anymore and I’m like, not my babe!!! Can you prove all the haters wrong by sending $10 to my 2024 campaign?
STOP
Damn, babe. After everything we’ve been through, you’re gonna end it over text message? Don’t you remember that crisp night in November 2008 when we drank champagne in the streets to the sounds of Stevie Wonder and tears of elation? When we danced under the stars and hugged every passing stranger? When we promised each other, once and for all, that it would be different this time? I know the drone warfare thing was eventually a hurdle for us, but we got through it!!! Why don’t you pop by my place tonight with a bottle of Malbec and your 16-digit credit card number? Alexa, play Al Green’s Let’s Stay Together. ;)
UNSUBSCRIBE
Are you for real right now??? Long-term relationships are not meant to be easy! They are living, breathing entities that take work, babe, and now that I’m saying this, I want to also acknowledge that I did read the article on attachment styles you sent me. I get it!!! You have an anxious attachment that translates into needing constant reassurance that our values align, and I have the kind that means I require a constant, overwhelming cash flow to be with you. Some people are saying it’s insensitive to be asking you for money right now but I say that for a $20 recurring monthly donation, I will whisper “humanitarian pause” in your ear while you sob to the video footage of another hospital collapsing.
I SAID UNSUBSCRIBE???
Ok whatever, I am truly sorry!? I know that I’ve been repeating old behavior patterns lately. I guess what I’m asking is just for you to have a little grace with me. I understand you’re feeling triggered because this is just like when all but one of my buddies voted in favor of the Authorization for Use of Military Force in 2001, except this time 22 of us also voted to censure the only Palestinian-American member of Congress, but life is a lot right now ok, babe??? I would be ashamed, but I am practicing being gentle with myself as an act of radical self-care. If you really cared about me, you would be gentle with me too — and you can by chipping in $40 now to maximize your impact. <3
SERIOUSLY FUCKING STOP WHAT IS HAPPENING
I’ll tell you what’s happening, sweetie. Some of your little friends are saying that I’m gaslighting you into thinking it’s your sole burden and responsibility to make sure the other, worse guy doesn’t come back into your life, but it’s not my fault that my only redeeming quality is that I’m not him!!! Really. Ask my therapist and she will tell you that she agrees with me! She also bet me that you wouldn’t donate at least 5% of your discretionary income to save democracy!!!!!!!!!!
CEASEFIRE NOW
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