QUIZ: Anxiety Disorder Symptoms Of A 32-Year-Old Woman Or Her Senior Rescue Dog?

Frequent and questionable bowel movements

Illustration by Alex Kazanas

1. Mindless pacing
2. Staring at walls for long stretches of time
3. No earthly understanding of why or how beds gets made
4. Going outside and inside and outside and inside and outside and inside
5. A strong desire to avoid the neighbors
6. Often appearing distressed in the face of compliments
7. Incessant speculation about why no one is paying attention to them
8. Frantic and recurring attempts to crawl inside the washing machine
9. Passing the time with an array of overpriced treats eaten in rapid succession
10. Difficulty losing weight
11. Frequent and questionable bowel movements
12. Incapable of sticking to a disciplined routine
13. Disdain for swallowing large pills
14. Only able to fall asleep when burritoed inside of a weighted blanket and listening to the Frasier theme song
15. No real desire to have a man in the apartment
16. Usually laying on the floor instead of working
17. Digging at electrical outlets just to feel something new
18. Startled by bikes, cars, and how time seems to pass so quickly and slowly all at once
19. Trouble devising a five-year plan
20. Turning to a psychic for help devising a five-year plan
21. Tendency to ignore the very practical advice of expensive behavioral specialists
22. Drooling

32-Year-Old Woman: 20

Senior Rescue Dog: 8, 17

Both: 1–7, 9–16, 18–19, 21–22

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